I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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