THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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