wrigley field is MILF paradise
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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