I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
