Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
