Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
