His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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