Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
