yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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