and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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