found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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