Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
