Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
