I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
