i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
