WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
