I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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