I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
