quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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