So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
