I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
