Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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