So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
