i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
