Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
