Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
