if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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