upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
