she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize