I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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