There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You've changed since you got that strap on
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize