Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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