I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
