Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
