fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
