He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
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