the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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