So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
