Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
