Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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