If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
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