We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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