she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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