I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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