I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
