Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
