Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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