If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
