Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
