I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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