I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
