I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
