fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
