you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
