I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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