I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
